Today didn't happen

So team, today was not so good. I do not quite know where it went wrong but I did not get round to my exercise. Not only did I not get around to it, but I binge ate. It is funny however failure to exercise couples with binge eating for me.

I ate and I kept on eating even though I was full and even though I was not enjoying the taste. I had a stressful morning and for some reason I wanted to deal with it that way. I then had a stressful evening and I wanted also to deal with it that way. And by the end of it, where for me to eat more would be an embarassment, I wanted to cut.

I did not, though. I still feel the urge and I still have not. My blade is within arms reach but I will not reach for it.

I know I have problems. I have always wanted to understand, to understand them and conquer them. But I am not strong enough to do that, I have not succeeded in making myself so. What I want to try now is management. I want to calm myself down, retreat to a quiet, undemanding place where I can completely focus on myself and ignore everything else. Wait it out and hopefully gain control.

So tonight I go to bed looking for a calm night where I can breath and sleep easy and forget about my feelings. I have set my clothes aside to go running when I wake up. I dragged my complaining body into tidying my room, because that always helps me think calmly. I forced my body into going through the motions; brushing teeth, washing and moisturising, clothes out to wash despite every cell of my body just wanting to lie dead. And I shall go to sleep, fingers crossed, and let the night and my dreams wash it all away.