Frustration

Arghhhh doesn't your body sometimes just seem to mock you. The only physical representation of your soul and mind is always rebellious. No matter how much pleading, how many tears.

I am afraid I am in a state of utter disgust in mine. I took a razor to my skin today and oh how good it felt to just lightly, oh so lightly, slit some gentle, shallow surface cuts - almost like a caress. I felt like I had been barely holding on to an unruly, large dog, but had just given him a light tug and he was at my side in my command again (perhaps this simile will seem inappropriate - my apologies, unfortunately the extent of my dog-walking activity sometimes encroaches upon my mind).

Because hygiene is always the first to go when my mind hurts, I followed with a shower and intense grooming session. I do not know if this is true for other women, or indeed other people, but cleanliness, smooth, hairless legs and freshly-painted nails do me a world of good. Perhaps because these bring me back into the sphere of minimal female attractiveness and I do not feel so alone anymore.

I now plan to remedy my body with three more fixes over the next twenty four hours: an (almost) all-nighter, a day of (almost) fast, and vigourous exercise. The all-nighter is so that when I finally allow myself to bed, my body can enjoy the feeling of achieving it's most natural and urgent desires. The fast is because, ah starvation is such a contentious topic nowadays... because, as Kate Moss says and I know from experience to be true: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Because I crave the pleasantly hollow feeling of a truly empty stomach, because I hope this action might do some in the way of flattening said stomach and because the feeling after the pain of hunger, of lightness, when you are fuelled by your own energy and enthusiasm, seems to me in my current state to be a truly wonderful mode of existence. And the vigourous exercise... what better way to try hasten your emptying? to give you that delightful energy that does not come from food? what a way to make you feel strong no matter how week you are?

Wish me luck my dears, as I wish you with your remedies. I will let you know how it goes. xx